Badass Biblical Stories That Deserve Their Own Movie
With 'Noah,' director Darren Aronofsky transforms potentially stodgy subject matter into a fantastical action movie. No matter what your personal beliefs, the Bible is one crazy read, full of badass stories that would make for great (and weird) films. These are just a few of them.
Ehud the Judge
Described as one of God's "Judges," Ehud is the assassin responsible for taking out the evil King Eglon. Scripture doesn't spare us any grisly details: when he meets the king he utters a badass action hero line ("I've got a message from God for you!") and stabs the Moabite leader so deeply that he literally loses his sword in his enemy's fat.
David and Goliath
It's already a classic story that everyone knows, but the actual biblical details make the showdown between David and Goliath all the crazier. This isn't just a young guy taking down a seasoned soldier -- it's a young child killing a supervillain! Kevin McCallister has nothing on David.
Elisha and His Bear Bodyguards
In one of the Old Testament's strangest passages, the prophet Elisha is cornered by a group of youths who proceed to call him "baldhead" and other insults. But Elisha has the power of God on his side and soon two bears appear and proceed to eat 42 (!) of his tormenters. Someone give Liam Neeson a ring...
Daniel and the Lion's Den
There is no Biblical hero with bigger cojones than Daniel, who defies his king's orders to stop praying to his God and gets thrown into the Lion's Den. He emerges unscathed the next day, but imagine the fear and the sheer terror of that night. More importantly, imagine it as an intense thriller of Man/God vs. Beast starring Hugh Jackman.
Samson is the Bible's answer to Hercules. An impossibly strong and immortal warrior, his only weakness is his hair…which his enemies cut, rendering him powerless. Samson has the last laugh though: as a slave, he summons the last of his strength and literally tears down a temple, making this one must-see Biblical revenge movie.
David's Mighty Warriors
Falling somewhere between 300 and The Avengers, David's Mighty Warriors are 37 soldiers responsible for all kinds of Old Testament derring-do. The Mighty Warriors do David's bidding, like sneaking behind enemy lines to steal water. The Bible has plenty of superheroes, but the Mighty Warriors are one its few superhero teams!
Sodom and Gomorrah
What would happen if you took the world-ending plot of 2012 and set it in an ancient city where the evil residents act like the zombies from 28 Days Later? You'd get the nasty, horror-movie-ready tale of Sodom and Gomorrah, the two cities God leveled for being full of nothing but foul, evil, attempted-angel-raping murderers.
Balaam and His Talking Donkey
Before Shrek and Donkey, there was Balaam and Donkey. While traveling, Balaam was intercepted by an angel, who was invisible to his eyes but not to his donkey. When he chastised his mount for stopping, the angel gave it the power to speak, letting him sass right back. That's comedy gold right there. For Adam Sandler, perhaps?
The Exorcism of the Gerasene Demoniac
Between all of the healing and forgiving, Jesus found time to be a badass wandering exorcist. In one of the Bible's best stories, he comes across a man possessed by countless entities. Naturally, the son of God knows a trick or two and sends the demons into a herd of pigs, which leap off a cliff and drown.
The Book of Revelation
The Bible has its fair share of wild stories, but all of them pale to the Book of Revelation, which tells of the apocalypse and the end of the world. It's about time someone made a movie where the Four Horsemen literally march onto Earth and start taking care of business.
Tell us in the comments which Bible story should get a movie, and buy tickets for Noah.
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