Thinking of taking your kids to see Melissa McCarthy in 'The Happytime Murders'? Think again. This buddy cop murder mystery promises to have no shortage of puppet sex, puppet mutiliation, puppet drug usage, puppet profanity and who-knows-what other kinds of puppet mayhem. With that in mind, let's revisit a few common I-can't-believe-I-showed-my-kids-this movies.
Yep, just a fun cartoon movie about talking food. They're just horny for each other and have a bigoted song, yep, no worries. Now they're dying horrifically in a kitchen and experimenting with bath salts? Yep, all good here. Oh, they've massacred a grocery store and are now having an explicit orgy? Cool, cool.
Check your ratings, folks.
Seth MacFarlane's 'Family Guy' series toed the line for a decade, but 'Ted' took a running jump right over it with a teddy bear whose drinking, smoking, drug usage, cussing and wild orgies would make a sailor blush. It may be about learning when it's time to grow up and put away childish things, but most audiences under 18 aren't ready for that lesson quite yet.
DC ANIMATED MOVIES
If you thought 'Batman v. Superman' was dark, check out DC's animated movies. 'The Killing Joke' features the sexual assault of Batgirl. 'Teen Titans: Judas Contract' has bloody human sacrifice and underage sexual manipulation. 'Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay' depicts dismemberment and chippendale clubs. 'Batman & Harley Quinn' is a nonstop barrage of NSFW jokes.
Not. For Kids.
TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
You'd think "a movie from the South Park guys" says it all, but enough audiences thought they were in for a family-friendly Thunderbirds-style marionette adventure. Instead, they got borderline-racist social commentary, rampant cussing, homophobic epithets and a notoriously over-the-top marionette sex scene that STILL pisses people off.
"It's about a ballerina" misses that this is a Darren Aronofsky movie. 'Black Swan' studies how dedication to art can lead to obsession, manifesting here as anorexia, self-harm, sexual assault and forming toxic relationships with your peers. In the process, Natalie Portman's Nina's mania drives her to create a monstrous split personality that murders her fellow actors.
Chappie is a cute-sounding name on a cute-looking robot that recalls 'Short Circuit's' Johnny 5, but 'Chappie' is anything but cute. His world is an urban hell populated with murderous, unlikeable gangsters played by Die Antwoord and Hugh Jackman as a singularly repellant and racist villain. It's okay that Chappie is a gangster. It's less okay that he's a jerk.
'Who Framed Roger Rabbit's' innuendos are still considered incendiary by some. Imagine how they felt about 'Cool World,' a similar movie centering on what happens when a human has sex with a cartoon. 'Cool World's' plot starts there and dissolves into a sea of violent, profane characters with an unpleasant subtext of forbidden miscegenation.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
Mel Gibson's 'The Passion of the Christ' is a reverent telling of Jesus Christ's trial, condemnation, suffering and ultimately death – and it spares no detail along the way, showing bloody whippings, flesh-rending scourging, grisly stabbings and more. It was also accused of anti-Semitism. For the young and easily traumatized, some things are best saved for Sunday school.
Ryan Reynolds may have been born to play Deadpool, but plenty of audiences were born too recently for his first feature film. If the f-bombs-as-commas didn't offend audiences, maybe the brutal violence did. If that didn't do it, the graphic sex montage definitely did. 'Deadpool's' superhero satire hit at the right place and the right time, but it sure wasn't family fare.
Nickelodeon's Halloween movie flew under the radar, but those that took their kids to this teenage misadventure found themselves in a world of boob-grabbing, teen hookups, rampant innuendos and an elaborate sex joke involving a car and a mechanical chicken. If you haven't seen it and are 13 or over, give it a shot. It's an underappreciated little comedy gem.
You'd think it's a giveaway from the title, but many parents saw this as another family-friendly superhero movie. Matthew Vaughn instead presented a cynical, misanthropic tale of egotistical jerks and maniacs whose spandex adventures contained profanity, sexual harassment, serial killing, brutality and exotic deaths - including explosion-by-giant microwave.
KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
"It's just another Bond parody," parents thought. With incessant profanity, bone-crunching martial arts, a montage of exploding heads and a graphic ending sex scene, Matthew Vaughn's 'Kingsman: The Secret Service' was anything but. It deconstructed Bond mythology by replacing its euphemisms with blunt actions, while maintaining the zanier spy-fi fare.
The X-Men movies went from soft to hard PG-13, getting bloodier along the way, but they were never a hard R. 'Logan' earns that rating with its sheer brutality and gore. If that wasn't enough, this revisionist X-verse story shows Logan himself dying of adamantium poisoning, Professor X in the throes of dementia and America in an unpleasant, late-capitalism dystopia.
A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST
Another Seth MacFarlane movie, another wall-to-wall raunchfest. Just because it has colorful cowboys, singing and dancing doesn't mean you're safe from sexual and scatological humor. That goes double for cussing and halluncinogenic drug usage. Moreover, it's right there in the title - you're gonna see plenty of folks die in exotic, bloody and hilarious ways.
Paul Verhoeven's 'Robocop' may look like a superhero, may have gotten an animated series and may have gotten a toyline, but the movie's dystopian vision of the future is anything but kid-friendly. Featuring insane violence, rape, drug usage and one of the gnarliest human meltings ever put to screen, 'Robocop' is best watched after one's young and impressionable years.
It's the heartfelt tale of a South Korean girl and her cow-pig Okja, right? Wrong. Bong Joon-ho's 'Okja' may start like a dreamlike children's tale, but his impassioned satire of the food industry shows Okja beaten, processed through a slaughter house, raped by mutants and driven insane with torture. And that's without talking about Tilda Swinton's disturbing performance!
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