10 Ways Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Kicks Young Schwarzenegger's Ass

10 Ways Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Kicks Young Schwarzenegger's Ass

We all love Arnold Schwarzenegger. But when the muscular Austrian traded machine guns for public office, it seemed the Arnold we loved was gone forever. We were wrong. Arnold is back, and while his latest endeavors haven't matched his pregovernor days when it comes to box office, this new, older Arnold might be the coolest Arnold of all. Here are 10 reasons why.


As of this writing, no one has really seen Old Arnold's Sabotage yet (it opens Friday). But we have seen a good handful of trailers for the film, and therefore know the glory of Old Arnold's Sabotage haircut. That, combined with the cool ensemble, thrilling plot setup, and promise of old-school violence and wanton curse words, ensures another strong entry into the Old Arnold canon.

The Last Stand

Arnold's big return to action cinema in 2013 was not without its creaks and stiff joints, mostly from Arnold himself. But once this film cuts loose it becomes a woefully underseen action spectacle filled with tons of cartoony violence and fun quips. Arnold's a little wooden, but that ends up playing into his character in ways that benefit the film overall.

The Bud Light Super Bowl Commercial

Here is a perfect example of why Old Arnold rules. He's goofy. He's silly. He's fun. Whatever's actually going on in this advertisement, it features Arnold Schwarzenegger in old-school workout attire, an awful wig, and a ton of false enthusiasm for Ping-Pong. What could be better than that?

"Epic Meal Time"

Old Arnold has done a lot of cool publicity stunts to help promote his charity, the After-School All-Stars. One of them involved a stop on the popular YouTube cooking show, "Epic Meal Time." Arnold and company cook a massive ostrich-egg steak sandwich. On a tank. Like they literally use the tank as a grill. Then they eat it. The sandwich, not the tank.

Escape Plan

Escape Plan is a complicated film to rate. The story could have been better and Sylvester Stallone sleepwalks through his role. But man, Old Arnold is on fire in this movie. Seriously, it might be his most enthusiastically fun movie performance ever. It may not be the action icon team-up you wanted, but Escape Plan is definitely a jewel in the Schwarzenegger crown.


Another After-School All-Stars charity drive, except this one involves driving over things with a tank. All kinds of things -- cars, bubble wrap, even a Blu-ray copy of Million Dollar Baby. Arnold's introduction to the contest is a thing of comic beauty, completely overshadowing the fact that he's going to run over 66 birthday cakes with a massive combat vehicle.

Famous Movie Quotes

Old Arnold has enjoyed a warm and strong relationship with the Reddit community, which has provided us with not only several fun AMAs (Ask Me Anythings) but also this fun experiment. Arnold asked Redditors to vote on their favorite old-school Arnold lines, the most popular of which he re-created with goofy aplomb. The brief videos became more elaborate and fun as they went, indicating that Old Arnold was having just as much fun with it as the rest of us.

The Expendables 2

Arnold amused us with a cameo in the first Expendables film, but he comes back in full force for the sequel. Even among actors like Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme, he represents the highlight of the film's giddy action-icon lineup. Well, maybe not at much as Jean-Claude Van Damme. But close!

Gym Prank

Again for his After-School All-Stars charity, Old Arnold does something awesome. This time he puts on a goofy disguise and talks to people at Gold's Gym. Just seeing him in that mustache is enough, but his one-liners to unsuspecting exercisers are brilliant -- from berating a woman as she tries to drink some water to calling another poor sap a baby for getting tired -- it's all great.

Future Projects

Old Arnold is just getting into the swing of his new action-movie career, which is a good thing because the projects on his horizon are going to be pretty big. We'll see a new Terminator film, a new Conan film, a third Expendables entry, and even a movie where he plays father to a zombie. It's going to be amazing.

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