Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter — Who Should He Hunt Next?
By Sean O'Connell
Four score and seven years ago, in an alternate universe created by Seth Grahame-Smith, Abraham Lincoln hunted vampires...as seen in Timur Bekmambetov’s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Here we pitch 10 classic cinematic vampires “Honest” Abe can hunt in a potential sequel. Abraham Lincoln: Lost Boy Hunter? Who wouldn’t pay to see that?
10. The Cullen family, The Twilight Saga
That’s right, Abraham Lincoln is a proud member of Team Jacob. Those mopey, pale Abercrombie-model Cullens from the Pacific Northwest have to be the first ones on Lincoln’s “to do” list if he’s going to start bumping off classic vampires. And if he takes Bella (Kristen Stewart) out in the process, we’ll chalk it up as collateral damage.
9. Blade, Blade
Now, Blade (Wesley Snipes) is only half vampire, but that’s more than enough for Lincoln to launch a hunt against this undead day walker. The only problem? This highly trained assassin is fully capable of fighting back, so Abe’s going to have to be at the top of his game. Our advice? Aim for the sunglasses.
8. Fran and Miriam, Vampyres
Ah, the daughters of Dracula are a tricky pair. They pose as vampire lesbians, combing the countryside for tourists and passersby that they can abduct and hold prisoner in their rural English manor. So long as Lincoln can divide the duo (perhaps with his trusty ax), he stands a good chance of prevailing over the protagonists of this sultry 1975 horror film.
7. Eli, Let the Right One In
Don’t be fooled, Abe. Eli (Lina Leandersson) looks just like a child. But upon closer inspection, you’ll realize that “she” is a centuries-old force of evil who must feed on the blood of innocents to survive. And if she invites you to a swimming pool at the neighborhood rec center, turn and run as if your life depended on it … because it does!
6. Peter Loew, Vampire’s Kiss
The worst kind of vampire: The over-acting, scenery-chewing kind (played with a maniacal grin by Nicolas Cage). Truthfully, we’re never able to confirm that Loew’s a vampire. He might just be going insane. But if Lincoln decides to pay him a visit, tell him to bring a jar of cockroaches. They happen to be Loew’s favorite snack.
5. Jerry Dandridge, Fright Night
The vampire who moves in next door, Jerry Dandridge wants to earn your trust. That way you won’t mind if (and when) he begins picking off the pretty residents in your otherwise quiet suburban neighborhood. A special shout out in this entry goes out to Colin Farrell, who also breathed life into the undead Fright Night villain for a reboot that was worth its weight in gooey, red blood.
4. Count Dracula, Dracula: Dead and Loving It
What happens when Count Dracula tries to bite into your jugular and strikes your funny bone instead? Long before we had Scary Movie (and its endless spinoffs), Mel Brooks and the brilliant Leslie Nielsen skewered the horror genre with this broad spoof. Nielsen might not be the best Dracula to grace the screen, but he certainly was the funniest.
3. Santanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Til Dawn
Another classic vamp who distracts with her powerful sexuality, Santanico (Salma Hayek) lulls her prey into submission with a ritualistic dance that involves a tiny black bikini and a giant snake. Just when you think you’re winning her heart, she steals your soul by transforming into a vamp and taking your life. She’s so beautiful, though, it’s hard to mind.
2. David, The Lost Boys
Long before Edward Cullen reigned, the fresh-faced punk rocker David (Kiefer Sutherland) terrorized the seaside community of Santa Clara with the help of his anarchy-embracing teen vampire brood. Lincoln would have his hands full descending into the bowels of this California town to eliminate David and his fanged army. If Abe needed help, however, he could always call the Frog Brothers. They’re quick with a stake.
1. Count Orlok, Nosferatu
To be the best, Abraham Lincoln would have to beat the best, and that has to be Max Schreck’s portrayal of the vampire Orlok in F.W. Murnau’s silent classic from 1922. By adapting Bram Stoker’s novel, Murnau created the template that countless horror movies would follow when telling a vampire story. Without Orlok, there would be no vampires for Abraham Lincoln to hunt … and that would be an epic tragedy of undead proportions.