Horror Movie News

You’re Living Your Worst Nightmare, and It’s All Your Fault

Frozen

Bad things happen to good people in horror movies all the time, but good people also put themselves in bad situations all the time, too. There really is nothing more frustrating than seeing a helpless victim running up the stairs when he or she should be dashing out the front door, but we’re not even talking about poor split-second decision making here. These people had the time to put a great deal of thought into making their life-changing, or better yet, deadly decisions.

WARNING: This list contains plot spoilers.

 

FrozenLeap of Faith

As a self-proclaimed big baby in bitter weather, I certainly understand the need to try to spare yourself five full days stranded on a ski lift in icy temperatures, but not even the most painful bout of Raynaud’s syndrome would entice me to take my chances jumping off a lift like Kevin Zegers’ Dan in Frozen. In fact, Dan made such a poor decision, writer-director Adam Green opted to punish him twice, once with a wicked fall and then again with the wrath of the hungry locals.

 

Cheap ThrillsWhatever It Takes

After hitting it big at SXSW, E.L. Katz’ Cheap Thrills was snatched up by Drafthouse Films and is now set for release on March 21. Pat Healy’s Craig and Ethan Embry’s Vince make more bad decisions in 85 minutes than you’ve likely made in your entire life. Craig’s got a wife and kid, so when he loses his job and gets slapped with an eviction notice, he gets desperate. Then, David Koechner’s über rich Colin steps in and offers Craig the chance to make his financial woes disappear by taking on a string of dares.

 

Final Destination 3Death by Tanning

If the infamous tanning scene in Final Destination 3 doesn’t freak you out enough to stop poisoning yourself with UV radiation, nothing will. On the bright side, the odds of a bed igniting and cooking you inside are significantly slimmer because, odds are, you’re much brighter than Ashley and Ashley (Chelan Simmons and Crystal Lowe). Whether Death was after them or not, these girls were in for it considering they disregard every possible safety precaution before hopping into their cancer boxes.

 

SinisterSacrificing Your Family for Your Career

If you’ll do anything for your career, you can probably relate to Ellison (Ethan Hawke) just a little bit, but who would ever think moving his family into a home where the previous owners were just murdered is a bright idea? But even if we let that one slide, who would then stay in that house after mysteriously coming across four other murders all captured on Super 8 just sitting, waiting to be found in the attic? But, you know what? That doesn’t even matter. Ellison was bound to face Bagul the moment he stepped into that house.

 

SawKarma

Kidnapping victims and testing their will to live in life-or-death traps isn’t legal or decent in the least, but, you’ve got to admit, there is the slightest bit of morality to Jigsaw’s (Tobin Bell) madness. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) has an affair, Art Blank (Justin Louis) is a lawyer with a tendency to win cases for guilty people, Timothy Young (Mpho Koaho) killed someone while driving drunk, William Easton of Umbrella Health dubiously denies insurance coverage, and the list goes on and on. There’s no need for a serial killer like Jigsaw to keep you up at night. Keep to the straight and narrow and you’ll be in the clear. 

WARNING: This video is very NSFW!

 

The MistDon’t Give Up

WARNING: Major plot spoiler below.

Adjusting to a new life in the midst of an oppressive mist filled with vicious creatures can’t be easy, but giving up is never the answer. Even after surviving the meltdown at the supermarket, David (Thomas Jane), his son (Nathan Gamble) and a few other survivors are still kicking. Sure, David finds his wife’s body, the world has seemingly been consumed by these monsters and now, to top it all off, the group runs out of gas, but is all of that really cause to just give up? Apparently.

 

The DescentStick to the Trails

If it weren’t for Juno (Natalie Mendoza), Sarah (Shauna Macdonald), Beth (Alex Reid), Holly (Nora-Jane Noone), Sam (Saskia Mulder) and Rebecca (MyAnna Buring) could have happily explored some caves during the day and then gone to bed safe and sound at night. It’s actually a nice thought to want to discover a brand new cave system with your friends, but don’t you think you should mention the bright idea to them first? Perhaps if even just one more person other than the most reckless and desperate of the bunch was aware of the plan, they could have identified the red flags sooner and backtracked before it was too late.

 

Jeepers CreepersGo Home

Justin Long’s Darry is a total brat, so something terrible was bound to happen to him eventually, but he could have easily avoided going head-to-head with “The Creeper” had he just left that truck alone. After getting violently run off the road, Trish (Gina Philips) even insists that they just drive off, but Darry just has to put the horror movie wheels in motion and investigate. Trish even calls him out almost as quickly as the audience does – “You know the part in scary movies where somebody does something really stupid and everybody hates them for it? This is it.” Good call, Trish!

 

SpliceRules Are Rules for a Reason

Clive and Elsa (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) were rock-star genetic engineers. They could have thrived with their pet blobs, Fred and Ginger, and possibly even given the purring lovebirds the time and attention they needed to avoid their deadly domestic violence, but instead, Elsa insists on breaking every rule imaginable to take her work a major step further by blending human and animal DNA. Not only does their creation Dren (Delphine Chanéac) wind up being the needy and unpredictable child Elsa never even wanted, but she also devastates Clive and Elsa’s relationship in the worst and eeriest way imaginable.

 

Hard CandyThonggrrrrl14 >: )

If you’re an older guy prowling the Internet for an underage lover, you better stop, because if you don’t wind up running into the authorities, you may come face-to-face with a 14-year-old vigilante who drugs you and threatens to castrate you. Jeff’s (Patrick Wilson) encounter with Hayley (Ellen Page) ruined his life and even though she’s the one who pushes him over the edge, he essentially gave her the license to do it. If only Lensman319 realized that talking to someone using the handle Thonggrrrrl14 was a bad idea right from the start.

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Next Article by Erik Davis

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