New on DVD: Statham Ups the Body Count in 'Safe,' and 'Piranha 3DD' is as Bad as You Expect

Safe  Look, you know what you're going to get with a Jason Statham shoot-'em-up--at least give the man credit for knowing his limitations in the acting department. Safe is pretty much what you'd expect: there's a ludicrous, unnecessarily complicated plot involving Chinese mobsters, a 10-year-old math genius/orphan, dirty cops, and Statham's second-rate MMA fighter who's been effectively exiled by the Russian Mafia for not throwing a fight. The overly long setup careens back and forth in time with so many elements thrown in your head spins and the little girl is oddly unsympathetic, but in the end, all you really want to do is see The Stathe beat down and blow holes in the baddies, which is what he does here in spades. Extras: Audio commentary with writer-director Boaz Yakin, the featurettes "Cracking Safe," "Criminal Battleground" and "The Art of the Gunfight" (DVD/BD).

The Five-Year Engagement Another middling Judd Apatow production starring Jason Segal and Emily Blunt as Tom and Violet, an engaged couple meandering down the long and winding road to the altar. When they relocate to Michigan, sacrificing Tom's dreams of being a San Francisco chef for Violet's grad school goals, that road may end in a fork--and not the kind you eat with. There are some laughs and poignant moments like we've come to expect from these so-called raunch coms, but at over two hours the movie's title feels self-fulfilling. Still, Segal and Blunt have great chemistry that keep it afloat during the lulls. Extras: Commentary, gag reel, "Weird Winton" featurette on Winton Child (DVD/BD); the DVD adds the featurettes, "Gonorrhea Trouble," "Top Chef: Alex Eilhauer."

Piranha 3DD The remake of the Joe Dante '70s B movie, Piranha 3D, set the bar for strangely hilarious, disgusting, alarming camp trash that delivers on the promise of blood, guts, and, well, boobs. Unfortunately, this follow-up lacks all of that other than the boobs, though it does boast David Hasselhoff as a celebrity lifeguard at a doomed water park called The Wet Spot where bimbos go to die. It's even more over-the-top than the first, which is part of the problem; the whole thing tries too hard and fails on all levels. As the Hoff himself says, "Welcome to rock bottom" -- he's not kidding. Extras: Featurettes on the story, the Hoff, costar David Koechner, Gary Busey's bloopers, deleted scenes and "A Lesson with John McEnroe" short film (DVD/BD).

What do you think...any of these float your boat? Will you watch them from the safety of your couch?

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Next Article by Derrick Deane

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