The ocean is full of things that can ruin your day, and thanks to the likes of Sharknado and its upcoming sequel, Sharknado 2: The Second One, the sky is now full of ocean-dwelling beasts that can demolish you in the craziest of ways. Here are seven of the best reasons why you should never go in the water, according to the movies.
1. Because Sharks Really Hate Your Inflatable Yellow Raft
According to science, sharks generally tend to avoid humans...but that's not what the movies have taught us. Jaws is the mother of all "killer ocean life" movies and that title shark is a real jerk. Not only does he terrorize an entire beachside town, but he totally pops and deflates a poor kid's swim toy. Not right. Vacation totally ruined!
2. Because the Creature from the Black Lagoon Could See You in Your Bathing Suit
There are plenty of things that can eat and/or kill you in tourist-friendly oceans, so why the heck would you go swimming in a creepy South American lagoon? The worst part of encountering a murderous "gill man" while exploring these waters is not his penchant for killing -- it's the fact that he watches you swim without your knowledge, checking out your swimsuit body and judging every little imperfection. Nothing ruins an aquatic getaway quite like a perverted sea creature.
3. Because Mermen Will Kidnap Your Favorite Person
If you think all mermaids are as friendly as Ariel from The Little Mermaid, think again. In fact, not even the magically inclined are safe from these lake-dwelling menaces! You may think a castle emboldened with magical charms would keep you and your loved ones safe, but these snarling rascals are ready and willing to abduct your favorite people and use them as pawns in a shady wizarding tournament. To paraphrase a popular song: "You want to stay where the people are."
4. Because Massive Crocodiles Will Destroy the Value of Your Lakeside Home
When you bought that waterfront lake house, you had big plans. You were going to spend long vacations there, raising your family in a relaxing paradise. You'd hold onto it until the kids moved away, and then you'd flip it for an exorbitant sum. But here's the problem: lake houses are on lakes, and lakes can be home to gigantic prehistoric crocodiles who eat everything in sight. You should never go in the water, but you should especially never invest near the water. You never know when a killer croc will wreck your financial portfolio.
5. Because Piranhas Can Also Ruin Your Water Park Vacation
Oh, we know what you're thinking: "If the water is so dangerous, I'll just get my swimming done at the local water park." Not so fast! Man-made bodies of water are just as susceptible to aquatic killing machines as anywhere else, as seen in the totally plausible Piranha 3DD. No, the worst thing to happen to you in a wave pool is not suddenly walking into a warm spot -- it's getting your legs eaten by small carnivorous fish.
6. Because Anacondas Really Love Ruining Boat Trips
Do you still think there are good reasons to go in the water? Of course not! Well, at least you're safe on a boat, right? Wrong! Sure, sharks and piranhas have a hard time operating on dry land, but anacondas certainly don't. As Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube taught us, these crafty water snakes love transforming a river cruise into a nightmare more than they love the taste of Jon Voight's flesh.
7. Because Sharknados Can Follow You onto Land
Okay, sure, these large, ferocious sea creatures are scary enough in the water, but what if they suddenly started flying through the sky? Sharknado most recently taught us that it's better to move as far inland as possible because nature is starting to literally chuck sharks into our coastal cities. You're not safe on the beach and you're not safe on the top floor of a skycraper, either. Heck, we may as well just all move underground at this point...
Eh, maybe that's not such a great idea, either.