Keira Knightley stars in Pirates of the Caribbean, the Disney ride turned blockbuster.
Some of the nicer touches in Disney’s much-anticipated Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (opening this Friday) are the little references to the theme park ride on which the blockbuster series is based, such as the cute jailer dog with the keys and the production design homage to the ride’s swampy Blue Bayou restaurant.
It just goes to emphasize that you can base an evocative movie (a series, even) on a theme-park ride. And so it would come as no surprise if Hollywood is already taking a look at other theme park rides and how they can be developed into star-studded blockbuster summer movies.
As part of Fandango’s Summer Movie Spotlight, moviegoers were asked which of their favorite Disneyland rides they would next like to see developed into a feature film. Below, in descending order, are their responses, along with a few other rides not included in the poll that we think would make terrific movies as well.
To help get the debate going, we’ve come up with the pitch, the plot, the cast, and the tagline for the poster for each movie, plus some of the behind-the-scenes “inside scoop” for these films. And while none of these rides/films are currently in development—as far as we know—we wouldn’t be surprised to see any of them coming soon to your local multiplex.
THE JUNGLE CRUISE
Genre: Action-adventure comedy
Stars: Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Kate Hudson, Chris Tucker, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Paul Giamatti as Lord Euan Taylor-Gray
The Pitch: Starsky and Hutch meets The African Queen
Tagline: Welcome to the Jungle!
Synopsis: A snobby Ivy League zoologist (Wilson) hires a drunken, cantankerous boat captain (Ferrell) to guide him and his spoiled fiancée (Hudson) up an uncharted African river in search of a mythical “white hippopotamus.” But when headhunters strand them in the deepest part of the jungle, the three must stop bickering and work together to navigate their way back to civilization.
The Inside Scoop: Like Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, rumor has it that Will Ferrell will base his character’s performance on another uber-louche 1960s rock star, in this case, the late Who drummer Keith Moon. The screenwriters will then kill off his character a third of the way through the movie.
SPACE MOUNTAIN
Genre: Sci-fi adventure
Stars: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Mark Wahlberg, Kevin Costner, Sharon Stone, and Paul Giamatti as android Ub Iwerks
The Pitch: Lost in Space meets Congo
Tagline: What’s higher than space? Space Mountain!
Synopsis: Married, bickering space ecologists (Affleck and Garner) race a sinister bounty hunter (Wahlberg), a double-crossing android (Giamatti), and fifteen wealthy alien races across the galaxy to stop an evil intergalactic corporation from building luxury space condos on top of a mysterious mystic mountain on an undiscovered planet that just might hold the key to Earth’s survival.
THE ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM
Genre: Animal comedy
Stars: Rob Schneider, Jessica Biel as Molly, Siegfried and Roy as themselves, the voices of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Gilbert Gottfried, Molly Shannon, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, and Paul Giamatti as Toscanini the Toucan
The Pitch: Deuce Bigalow meets Beethoven with birds
Tagline: We will, we will SQUAWK you!
Synopsis: A down-on-his-luck pet store employee (Schneider) inherits an octet of singing, wise-cracking tropical birds and takes them to Reno, where they become the hottest novelty act since Carrot Top. But when success goes to Schneider’s head, the birds turn on him to teach him a lesson faster than you can say “Tikitikitikitikitikiroom”!
The Inside Scoop: The original theme song to The Enchanted Tiki Room attraction includes the lyrics, “Our show is delightful/we hope you’ll agree/we hope that it fills you with pleasure and glee/Because if we don’t make you feel like that/ we’re gonna wind up on a lady’s hat!” which will be included in the movie, fostering a PG-13 rating and numerous PETA protests.
BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN RAILROAD
Genre: Action-adventure Western
Stars: Colin Farrell, Jon Voight, Kate Bosworth, John Goodman, and Paul Giamatti as Hop Choi
The Pitch: Unforgiven meets Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Tagline: Hang on to your hats and glasses, ‘cause this here’s the wildest ride in the wilderness!
Synopsis: A peace-loving lawman (Farrell), blackmailed by a ruthless railroad baron (Goodman) into scaring a gold prospector (Voight) and his head-strong daughter (Bosworth) off their claim on the Big Thunder Mountain mine, must instead work with the pair when gold is discovered in “them thar hills” to build a secret railway through the mine and gather enough gold to pay off the baron and stop the railroad once and for all.
IT’S A SMALL WORLD
Genre: War drama musical
Stars: Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Abigail Breslin, John Cusack, Bono as himself, Mia Farrow as their mother, and Paul Giamatti as Principal von Stuckenholtz
The Pitch: Mr. Holland’s Opus meets The Sound of Music
Tagline: It’s a World of Laughter, a World of Tears
Synopsis: Sisters and fellow UNICEF workers (Madonna and Jolie) who rescue orphans from all over the world and teach them to sing in a special school founded by their philanthropist mother (Farrow) must use the children’s vocal talents to save the school from a November 1st foreclosure.
The Inside Scoop: We estimate that after audiences witness the movie’s climactic scene (SPOILER ALERT) where the school is saved by an outpouring of post-Halloween UNICEF penny donations—even from nations that don’t celebrate Halloween—the worldwide price of copper will rise 21 percent.
SPLASH MOUNTAIN
Genre: Backwoods water-based action adventure
Stars: Clive Owen, Kate Beckinsale, Freddie Highmore, Jason Statham, and Paul Giamatti as Cephus
The Pitch: Deliverance meets The Fugitive
Tagline: Get the Flood Out!
Synopsis: When a dam bursts and sends millions of gallons of flood waters through a rural Tennessee valley, a sawmill operator framed for murder (Owen) must rescue his family (Beckinsale, Highmore) by riding the logs and flumes to safety while being pursued by the relentless sheriff (Statham) desperate to bring him to justice. Directed by Michael Bay – so it will be LOUD and WET and lots of things will EXPLODE!
The Inside Scoop: Seventeen dialect coaches will be required for this movie, to help the actors lose their British accents, develop American accents, and then re-develop the accents to fit the rural Tennessee setting. Also, all of Paul Giamatti’s dialogue will be re-recorded by Colin Firth.
MATTERHORN
Genre: Alpine action-adventure
Stars: Will Smith, Halle Berry, Katherine Heigl as Greta, Thomas Haden Church as Klaus, Andy Serkis as the Abominable Snowman, and Paul Giamatti as the voice of Gunter the St. Bernard
The Pitch: Cliffhanger meets Predator
Tagline: You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yeti! (only after “Permanecer Sentados Por Favor!” was rejected)
Synopsis: Stranded after a helicopter crash during a backwoods skiing trip in the Swiss Alps, a former Olympic bobsled champion (Smith) and his former Olympic women’s bobsled champion wife (Berry) come face-to face with the legendary Abominable Snowman (Serkis via CGI) and must battle the vicious creature and the elements to save themselves – and a lost cache of Nazi gold.
The Inside Scoop: The sequel to Matterhorn will be titled Anti-Matterhorn.
MONORAIL
Genre: High-speed action thriller
Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Laurence Fishburne, Gael Garcia Bernal, Eva Mendes, Lambert Wilson, Justin Long, and Paul Giamatti as the vehicle operator
The Pitch: Speed meets Beverly Hills Cop III
Tagline: Bryce Chambers Has a One-Track Mind!
Synopsis: When hijackers (Fishburne, Bernal, Wilson) take over the beloved single-track transportation system at a theme park and threaten to destroy it if it stops, it’s up to disgraced LAPD detective turned security guard Bryce Chambers (Jackson) and the head of park operations Dee Dee Flynn (Mendes) to stop them and save all four passengers on board.
DAVID LYNCH’S MAD TEA PARTY
Genre: Experimental drama
Stars: David Duchovny, Laura Dern, Naomi Watts, Justin Theroux, Bruce Dern, Michael J. Anderson as the ride operator and Paul Giamatti as “The Hatter”
The Pitch: Come on, it’s David Lynch…
Tagline: You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round!
Synopsis: A family man (Duchovny) who runs a failing novelty hat factory enjoys a seemingly normal day at a theme park before he goes mad watching his life crumble around him when the spinning ride he’s trapped on never ends. Or maybe it’s spinning him into another dimension, or through time, or maybe it’s just a dream…
The Inside Scoop: No actual teacups will be harmed or used during the making of this film.
Chris Kern is a freelance writer, novelist, and children's book author. He has previously worked at MTV Networks and ABC/Disney, and is currently the president of Words & Wine, a wine travel company.
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