Horror redux returns in The Last House on the Left.
The Last House on the Left, the latest in Hollywood's re-imagining of yesteryear's cult and classic horror flicks, opens this weekend. With My Bloody Valentine 3D and Friday the 13th already making a killing at the '09 box office, and remakes of A Nightmare on Elm Street and John Carpenter's The Thing on the way, and others such as Prom Night in your Netflix queue, one might be tempted to think it's all a bit, well, overkill.
But, the news isn't all bad. While moviegoers won't be hard-pressed to find horror
remakes that are more terrible than terrifying, the discerning horror fan also knows
that there are quite a few remakes which are genuinely scary, and some which
even surpass the originals. In honor of that grand tradition, here's a list of the
10 most horrific horror remakes...
10. Willard
(2003)
A couple of keys to
making a great horror remake. It helps if the source material isn't as good as people
remember. Secondly, find someone even more memorable to play the lead character.
Willard, the tale of a strange guy who communicates with rats and uses them to exact
rodent revenge on his tormenters, fits the bill on both counts. The new version's
more believable effects and atmospheric storytelling are uncomfortably eerie, and
ditto the masterful performance of lead Crispin Glover. Given the actor's long-standing
weirdness (remember the kick on Letterman? Or the creepy cameo in Wild at
Heart?), he was the perfect madman for this material.
9. The Amityville
Horror (2005)
Who knew Ryan Reynolds could be scary? Here, he's well-cast as a
father who slowly goes mental when he and his family move into a haunted house. The
'70s version had James Brolin (Josh's pop) and Margot Kidder as the semi-ignorant
couple who refuse to leave, despite all the obvious telltales that something's amiss
(oh, look, there's blood coming through the plumbing!). For our money, though, it's more fascinating to
see Reynolds stretch his Van Wilder comic chops into something much more troublesome.
Only complaint: no suburban dad could be that buff...unless he just finished shooting
Blade 3.
8. The Blob
(1988)
Despite its '80s
signposts (i.e. Kevin Dillon's pre-Entourage mullet), this remake of the
Steve McQueen drive-in classic is horrifying and amusing. Shawshank
Redemption director Frank Darabont turns in a nifty, not-too-serious screenplay,
the effects hold up pretty well, and it's cool to see Saw's Shawnee Smith still screaming her head off as
the love interest. I think she even gets the "And introducing" credit.
7. The Ring
(2001)
This was the movie that
ushered in the whole era of J-horror remakes (The Grudge, Dark
Water, One Missed Call, etc.). It's also the best of the lot. Like its Japanese predecessor, it's a chilly notion (watch a video
tape, and then you die!) that worked well for American audiences, too. Naomi Watts is a game foil,
making good here on the promise she showed in David Lynch's Mulholland Drive.
6. The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Having just recently seen the original, I can't wholeheartedly endorse
this Michael Bay-produced version. Everything about the movie is amped up: the camera work,
the gore, the close-ups of Jessica Biel. The originality and madcap anarchy of
Tobe Hooper's original is shoved aside in favor of slickness and maximum impact. But, while purists compalin, everyone else will probably just get their rocks off.
5. Night of the
Living Dead (1990)
Gore hound Tom Savini took up the director's chair for this restyling of
George A. Romero's first edition, and the result was surprisingly satisfying. The
movie's shot in color this time, but the set-up's the same. Zombies are closing in on
a small group trapped in a farmhouse. Can they make it through the night? Rent, and
see. It's also fun to watch Candyman icon Tony Todd, cast here for
once as the good guy.
4. Body
Snatchers (1993)
Most fans
of the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers point to the 1978 movie as
its worthy successor. While I have no complaints with that version, I prefer this
sneaky early '90s flick, which finds the alien pods taking over the soldiers and citizens
at an Alabama military base. It's moody and dark, and it's sure to make you close the
windows the next time you take a bubble bath.
3. Dawn
of the Dead (2004)
Zack Snyder
has gotten all sorts of props for last year's 300, but it was this horror remake of
Romero's '70s zombie romp that first garnered him notice. Snyder's take is a lot
less satirical (no new message here about mall culture or consumerism), and it's a lot more
action-packed. The thing moves fast from start to finish. Sarah Polley is fine as the
millenial generation's action heroine, and Ving Rhames is fantastic as a security
guard who has no problem getting medieval on a bunch of the undead.
2. The Fly
(1986)
Nobody does the "eww,
ick" factor better than director David Cronenberg. While the Vincent Price version of The Fly might be a classic to many, this one is
an A-list horror production that's guaranteed to scare and sicken its audience. Jeff
Goldblum and Geena Davis are excellent as the doomed scientist and the woman unlucky
enough to fall for him, and there's a genuine pathos to the film. Watching Goldblum disintegrate -- mind, body and orifice -- into a mass of
gooey fly-stuff is stomach-turning and oddly watchable.
1. The Thing
(1982)
John Carpenter's
The Thing is the undisputed king of the horror remakes. It's grown in stature
every year, and in many ways, it's superior to Howard Hawks' original. More of a
re-envisioning than a remake, it's also more faithful to the novella (John W.
Campbell's Who Goes There?) that inspired both versions. Many things make this the ultimate horror remake: the pulsating, rhythmic score by Ennio Morricone; the lean, mean, minimalist direction from John Carpenter; the astounding visual effects from Rob
Bottin; the spot-on supporting cast, including a stellar Wilford Brimley; and, in my mind, the
best lead horror hero ever: Kurt Russell as stoic, no-frills helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady. All of these elements in Carpenter's film service the story, which is about a monster hiding -- literally -- inside an isolated group of people. That's right. The person next to you, or all ten of them, could be out to get you...and by the way, you're stuck in Antarctica. What could be more scary than that?
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