Director Kevin Smith
Kevin Smith gives us his views on everything related to doing the deed, from love and marriage to real-people porn to muppet sex. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Fandango: Do you have a favorite sex scene of all time?
Kevin Smith: The one that stands out in my head is, coincidentally, the first porn I ever saw. I was at a family friend’s house – this woman who was friends with my family – and they all went out to eat and left me to watch the dog. I was 12, on the cusp of 13, looking through her drawer of VHS tapes searching for something to watch and I see a tape with a sticker kind of ripped off, and it looked like a professional sticker. So, immediately, I was like, “What’s this?” – and I popped it out, put it in and it was a porn. And the whole score to it – the music – is kazoo. And that made an impression. So the first vision I had was the score – the sound of sex – is a kazoo.
Fandango: Do you find it more entertaining to watch real people having sex or professionals?
Smith: Oh absolutely real people. As much as I used to enjoy well made porn with, like, reliable porn performers, I love DIY porn. I love to watch normal people f***ing. I mean, when I get up, I read Google news, search Guardian UK and then start surfing porn. I like geek culture and I like sex.
Fandango: If you could watch any two people having sex, alive or dead, who would it be and why?
Smith: I’d have to go with Darth Vader and Kermit the Frog. Visually interesting. Kermit riding a massive Darth Vader would just be an interesting visual. I don’t mind that it’s two dudes; I’m okay with that – I think it would be entertaining to see.
Fandango: What would you say to people who don’t believe in premarital sex?
Smith: When you look at the world we live in now, and you look at that moment when the divorce rate started spiking, you realized there was a post-sexual revolution and it was still at the tail-end of that era where people got married and then had sex – didn’t know each other well, never lived together. If you could do those two things – have awesome sex and live together – then think about marriage.
Fandango: Is there such a thing as love?
Smith: People always say, “love, love, love, love” – it’s very easy to fall in love with people. I’ve been in serious deep love … seven times in my life. And each one was easier than the last. And each one felt like it was “it” and the real thing. But out of those seven, only three I had what I consider really good sex with. And the relationships fell apart with the other ones because the sex wasn’t good sex. So sex is the glue that will keep you somewhere.
Fandango: Is it easy being married to one woman?
Smith: I’ve been married 10 years now and I never think about cheating on my wife. Never. Never look at another woman, never think about f***ing another woman. Now, she can be an irritating human being on a regular basis, and we get into squabbles and s*** like that, but I love her deeply and she’s the only person I want to f***. That’s what keeps our marriage very sound, and it all comes from trial and error.
Fandango: Have you started to teach your daughter about the birds and the bees yet? Do you allow her to watch your movies?
Smith: Well I’m a responsible parent, so I definitely keep a 9-year-old away from an R-rated movie. If she was 12, I don’t think it would bother me so much – but at 9, she ain’t even in double digits yet. Right now she’s innocent and pure and wonderful – but I know what I was like at age 12 and 13, and sooner or later she’s gonna be there too. The best thing you can do for your kid is to provide an example and say, look, this is the kind of guy you want to wind up with. I treat your mother really well, we get along, I respect her, and she respects me – that’s what you want in a guy. Ya know, don’t ever give it up to some ass because he’s popular, or because he wants it more than you do.
Fandango: What’s your favorite part about sex?
Smith: I’m more of a giver than a taker, and I think that comes from growing up fat. Growing up fat, you always have to prove to people your worth. When you’re fat in high school, you’re not the guy chicks wanna have sex with. So you’ve got to use everything else – you’ve got to put the personality out there, the sense of humor out there.
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